Chapter Text
It’s been two hours since lights out and your eyes still have not begun to droop. You’ve stared up at the ceiling, trying to force the exhaustion to take hold of your body, but no matter how much you try to relax, sleep does not come.
The events of the day run in circles in your mind. Your cheeks are still tender to the touch from the fight. If you concentrate enough, you can still feel Levi’s hand on your head as he spoke to you in the nurse's room. But with that, you can also feel his eyes on your back in Jean’s hospital room as you sat under the heat of his intensity. You feel the aftertaste of nausea in your belly from the unwanted memories.
You can’t sleep, and you don’t think you can until you speak to Levi. About today, about three years ago, you don’t know yet. You just know you have to get it off your chest because it has festered in your mind for too long and him reappearing in your life has not helped in the slightest.
Slowly, you sit up and make your way off the bed. The route is clear in your mind. You know how to get him, and it’s quarter past twelve.
Silently, you slip out the window.
-
Boots in your hand, you are rounding the corner towards Levi’s office when suddenly you see a figure that makes you instantly duck into the shadows. You immediately recognise the face as one that you saw in the courtroom. His blonde hair is muted in the darkness of the hallways, but you know he’s the man who stood beside the leader. He walks towards the doors of Levi’s office, and trailing behind him is a woman with a lithe figure and short blonde hair cut to her ears. You can see that she has a gun holstered to her side.
sh*t. This was possibly the worst time you could have chosen.
“Stand and guard the door.”
You watch the woman nod as they reach the end of the hallway and she moves to stand by the entrance to Levi’s office. The man reaches his hand up to knock.
You hold your breath as you watch.
“Captain.” His voice is cheerful and nonchalant in a way that unnerves you. Like a hunter luring his prey out.
There is a long pause and then a muffled response.
“I have matters to speak to you about.”
Another muffled response and the blonde man chuckles. “Levi, I know you don’t sleep.”
It’s hard to tear your eyes away from the man but you look towards the woman guarding the doors. If she wasn’t there, you could wait until the man has entered Levi’s room and then press your ears to the door and listen in.
Because you just have a feeling that you need to hear this conversation. It’s more than just curiosity. Something feels wrong.
Your mind runs through the options and you remember that there is a window to Levi’s office. It would require you to sneak back outside and go towards the side of the building. That would mean either leaving through the front doors and around or circling back the way you came to go through the courtyard doors.
The quickest way would be the front doors but it’s more heavily guarded. The door to the courtyards is safer, and you’re more familiar with the path, but it’s much further away and you might miss important parts of the conversation.
You don’t have much time to weigh the benefits and drawbacks of either option because the man is admitted into Levi’s office and you gather you probably have only a minute or so before the discussion that this man wanted to have with Levi will begin.
You decide not to risk being discovered and quietly dart away from the woman in the hallway and begin to retrace your step back towards the courtyard entrance.
And then suddenly, you remember that there is a fire door to the side that would lead towards the outside of Levi’s office, a route you had randomly found while roaming the school with your group just a few nights prior.
Eyes watchful and your ears tuned to your surroundings, you quickly correct your path towards the fire door. You pass by a handful of guards, which slows your pace as you wait for them to pass before you can sneak past them, but you’re still quick on your feet and you stay quiet. When you finally reach the fire exit, your heart is in your ears as you go for the handle.
To your luck, it moves with your hand and the door creaks open.
You have to slip out quickly as the sound is not quiet and you close the door behind you as efficiently as possible before you start towards the direction of Levi’s office. You try to calculate where his window would be from the outside, glancing at all the windows while crouching to stay out of sight.
Right as you approach where you remember Levi’s office to be located, you look up and see a familiar ceiling and light. You move to the left of the window frame and press your body against the wall, peeking over just enough to get a view. You see Levi’s office and the two men inside.
The room is dark except for the lamp on Levi’s desk giving a faint orange glow to the two men.
Levi sits in the chair to his desk but his full figure is blocked by the blonde man standing on the other side of the desk. The man leans a hand against the frame of a chair, his back turned to you.
Christ, your heart is thundering.
You realise then that the sounds of their conversation are still extremely muffled no matter how much you strain your ears. You try to focus on it. And in that moment of trying to concentrate on their voices, your head moves slightly further out and that’s when your eyes link with Levi.
He looks back at you.
f*ck.
You quickly duck back and press your entire body against the wall, your heart now pounding inside your ears as you try to still your breathing to move as much of your existence into the shadows.
Your whole body becomes still. You stay there, frozen and trying desperately to figure out what to do next when you suddenly hear a sound.
It’s the creak of a window being opened and then curtains being drawn. You dare to look over to see that the curtains are now blocking your view of Levi’s office, but at the same time, you can hear their voices plain as day. Your heart soars. You don’t move from your current position but you close your eyes to listen intently.
“That is not my decision to make,” you hear Levi say as his voice gets further away, presumably from him walking back to his desk. “If you had a problem with the current pace of things, you should have spoken to Commander Erwin.”
“I am aware he is your superior,” the other man responds, his voice dripping with condescension, “but you are the one with your finger on the pulse. You know many of your cadets want to get on the field, especially the ones who have lost people from the recent attack on our easternmost outpost.”
The hair on your arm stands at the mention of that.
“I also know that none of them are combat-ready,” Levi replies, unrelenting. “They’re overrun with emotion, and they wouldn’t last a day past the walls.”
The bruise on your cheek pulses.
There is a pause in the conversation before the other man speaks up again. “We do not have the luxury to spare these kids from the horrors of the outside world.” The lightness that was once present in the man’s voice has all but disappeared, replaced by something low and cold. “Our war with Marley is growing from the indirect to the direct. We cannot afford to be slow in replenishing our scouting and attacking forces. You of all people should be aware that we do not have many choices left before us.”
“Take it up with Erwin, Zeke.”
A pause, and then you hear the other man— Zeke— tsk at Levi.
“Such a loyal lapdog. Won’t even take the leash off when someone offers to unbuckle it.”
You can’t help but immediately feel a seed of anger sow in your belly at his words. There is a moment of quiet before you hear a door opening.
A muffled final word.
And then the door shuts.
You open your eyes, now unsure of whether to turn and leave or address the fact that Levi knows that you’re here. The seconds turn to minutes.
You’re almost a little relieved when Levi finally makes the decision for you.
“You can stop hiding now.”
Sighing, you walk towards the window and see that it’s been cracked open further with the curtains drawn back once more. Levi stands with a casual hand outstretched towards you. You accept his help and use it to pull yourself into the room, pushing yourself off the cabinets that lie immediately underneath the windows and finding your feet on the ground again. He goes and shuts the window behind you before he heads to the door.
The lock on the door clicks on and you can see that his shoulders visibly relax.
“So what was that?” you ask, brushing yourself off.
“Thought you could hear most of it.”
“I did but—” I have so many questions I don’t even know where to begin, “—Marley? Is that what this place is so worried about?”
Levi sits himself in his chair and there is a grim look on his face. “They’re a city up northeast from here. We’ve been getting raided by them more and more often in the past few months, so you can say that.”
That’s why everybody was on such high alert in the courtroom until I convinced them that we weren’t affiliated with anybody.
You go and take a seat across from Levi, leg crossing over the other. “So he wants you to send more people to the frontlines to retaliate.”
Levi just nods.
“Why not just go to the leader of this place?” you ask. “Isn’t this Zeke guy the second-in-command?”
“The issue is under Erwin’s command, and he is in good favour with Zackly.” His eyes meet yours and see the question on your tongue. “Darius Zackly is the leader of Paradis. And from what Erwin has explained to me, he has been able to convince him to not be too rash about this.”
“Yeah, because that makes sense,” you say, catching on. “I mean. If you start moving all of the capable people to go fight Marley and leave inexperienced people, like the people in this school, in charge of guarding the city, the city is going to be vulnerable. And if you send the trainees directly to the frontlines, they’ll just get slaughtered right off the bat.”
Levi nods. “Exactly. What Zeke is suggesting is suicide. And he’s also acting far more impatient than he usually does. At least from what Erwin has said.”
You wonder how the politics can be this intricate when only a little over two years have passed since the outbreak. “Did they know each other before the outbreak?”
“Yeah,” Levi says, “Most people in the current leadership were in charge of this city before everything went to sh*t. The city was called New Eldia before they changed it.”
“Ah.” The name doesn’t ring a bell but that doesn’t really surprise you. This is far from the city you and Levi grew up in and you were never that good with geography. “So they’ve just carried on from where they last were, except now dealing with walking corpses and city-against-city warfare.”
“More or less.”
Levi goes for his cup and you notice in glancing at it that the tea inside is quite dark. “What tea is it?” you ask absentmindedly, as you continue to contemplate the current situation.
“English Breakfast.”
That’s more done than you usually like it. “Looks a little over-steeped.” If you still like it the way you used to.
You watch as Levi takes a sip and his brows furrow a little, confirming what you had thought.
“Why don’t you just make your own tea?” you ask, trying not to seem like you care about this dynamic he has with his fellow captain.
“I do. But she insists on doing it for me sometimes.”
It feels a little more than just sometimes.
You don’t say anything to it. You let your thoughts return to the wider picture and the situation at hand because somehow that feels more manageable than the thoughts currently inside your head.
But. There’s something you’re confused about.
“Why are you telling me all of this?” you ask after a moment, looking back up at him. “I’m a complete outsider, and this all sounds like pretty confidential information.” You opened the window for me to hear your conversation. You wanted me to know this. “Aren’t you supposed to be the safeguard against me? Telling me this, about all these issues your city is facing, that just makes me a bigger threat. And I’m more likely to slip up in front of people if I know more than I should.”
Levi looks at you then with almost an amused expression. “You’re telling me not to trust you?”
You can’t help but roll your eyes. “Obviously not. I’m just saying what you’re doing makes no sense.”
He doesn’t answer and instead lets the comment hang in the air until you start to question whether he or Erwin or whoever actually intended for you to be a part of this from the beginning. Is that why you were allowed to stay instead of being executed on the spot? Do they want something from you?
That thought scares you a little and you don’t really know where to even begin unpacking that.
All that you know is that however this pendulum swings, whatever move Erwin or Zeke or Zackly decides to make, you’re now wrapped up in this. You and your group can hardly leave a city this well-guarded, especially not when you are still regarded as untrustworthy or even hostile by a lot of the people here. You wouldn’t make it even a street down from the school before you get stopped.
“So what’s the plan then? Surely you and Erwin have something to prevent an all-out war.”
“It’s inevitable,” he replies. “But we need to bide our time.”
You think distantly about the gang warfare that the two of you have been involved in before. The raids, the steals, the eventual infiltration and killing that you had done on the night of the outbreak. How little that has done to prepare you for the situation now. Entire cities at war? In the middle of an apocalypse?
What the f*ck has your life become?
“So how are you going to do that?”
“Do what? Bide our time?”
“Yeah, how are you going to do that?”
The equation is before your eyes as you ask the question to him. With how things are, what they need are experienced personnel who can keep the frontlines in a stalemate while the younger trainees continue to build their strength.
“What would you do?”
You look up from your thoughts at that. Levi is looking at you unguardedly, his posture relaxed and his arms gently folded across his chest. Is he really asking me for help?
You feel something bloom inside your chest. But the softness you feel for him is being slowly coated with the cold conclusion that you’re coming to as you speak.
“If I were you and Erwin, I would send me and my group out under supervision,” you answer. “We’re expendable, we work well as a team, and we’re more capable than a lot of the people that’s being trained.”
Expendable and capable. You’ll never get away from that, will you?
You recall what Erwin had said back in the courtroom, how he had spoken for you with the line of thought to make use of your group.
Was this the plan all along? Was I saved just to be used as a pawn in this supposed war with another city?
You see Levi recognise that you’re connecting the dots and his expression almost softens to something apologetic.
“I don’t know how many in my group would be willing to put themselves in danger for the sake of fighting for a place we have no loyalty to,” you say as a quick counterpoint.
But already in your head, you can think of ways that can be fixed. You, vouching for this plan, for a start. Promises of more freedom, better living conditions, and privacy away from everybody in the school. Your group could be swayed.
There’s a long pause where Levi doesn’t speak. You wish he would, and you wish he would say then that this isn’t the reason why you’re alive now. To be used as a pawn, a sacrifice, pushed by players that have no regard for your life, whose aim is just to win this larger game. You wish he would tell you, straight and narrow, that he is happy to see you, that he needs your help because you are the only one he trusts, and that he trusts in your capabilities and your judgement. But you only feel your hands bound behind your back again, moved along with a gun pressed into you.
“Erwin will want to speak to you.”
You absentmindedly nod, not looking at him anymore. Your eyes scan over the documents on Levi’s desk. Documents and maps and forms. f*cking paperwork.
“Val.”
“Hm?” You look up as casually as you can muster. “What?”
“I hate this as much as you do.” His eyes and words betray something that the rest of his expression doesn’t. He looks almost helpless.
You look at him and you can’t say what you want to say. We could just run away. You could wait until you’re inevitably sent out to fight this war that you don’t care about and then just leave with him and your group in tow. You could leave and put all of this behind you. Things could be normal again. It could be fine.
But you don’t say it because you see him now, in an office, documents on his desk, blades set on the table. Levi has a title, and not an empty one at that. People respect him. Levi, whose presence can calm someone’s grief-filled sobs when he crouches in front of them, who makes people stand at attention whenever he enters the space. You know where his heart is. You know that he wants to prevent the deaths of countless lives in the coming crossfire because that’s just the person he is.
This fantasy of running away. You know you can’t ask that of him. You know he can’t step away.
And f*ck, a part of you knows that you can’t step away from this either.
You nod. “I know.” And then as an afterthought, you add, “It’s fine.”
It doesn’t matter whether this was his or Erwin’s doing or neither. You’re willing to shoulder this weight with Levi. Because if nothing else, that is what you’ve always wanted to do. To be something that he can lean on.
“I’ll tell Erwin the next time I see him,” Levi says.
Silence stretches before you two. It’s hard not to get consumed by the thoughts of what agreeing to this will mean.
“Why were you outside my window anyway?”
Your eyes turn lucid at that question and you snap out of your thoughts. Right. It all seems pathetically small now, what you had wanted to discuss with him when you had made this trek to his office.
You shake your head. “Nothing. It’s not important right now.”
You can feel Levi look at you questioningly but he doesn’t say anything. He must have decided that it wasn’t the time to pursue it, and you’re somewhat grateful for that.
“Will he be coming here then?” you ask, hoping to move along quickly from his question.
“He’s scheduled for a visit to see the progress with the trainees in two days.”
“Do you trust this Erwin?” you ask, and you’re looking at him now with scrutinising eyes.
“I do, Val,” he says. The certainty in his voice is surprising. “I trust him.”
The message is loud and clear: if he was sure of anything you have spoken about thus far, it was this and maybe only this.
“He’s the most level-headed out of everybody here, smart beyond what I can understand, and fortunately for us, he’s a good person too.”
You can’t hide the surprise on your face. You wonder how Erwin got Levi to trust him in a matter of just a year. It makes you want to be wary of this man, but you also trust in Levi’s judgement of character.
“Okay,” you say. “Then I’ll talk to him when he comes. But only if you’re there in the room too.”
Levi leans back in his chair. “I’ll be there even if he wants to argue against it.”
You smile. “Protective much?”
“Tch. Shut it.”
You shake your head. You’ll have to come up with some plan of what to negotiate for when you do see Erwin. Something that he will not refute, and something that will be enough to convince your group to potentially put them in harm’s way.
This war that you are fighting. You’ll admit, as much as you do care about the lives of the people in the city on a basic level of human decency, you’re choosing to do this because of your desire to help Levi. Because he has always cared too much, was always too capable to escape responsibility being placed on his shoulders, and he is finally, finally letting himself lean on you.
You cannot falter, no matter how scared you are deep down.
You can only push forward.
